Bears are awesome in general, no doubt.
But they are not all totally cool like Gentle Ben, Smokey, Bart or Yogi. Those are bears you’d like to sit down and have a beer with. The majority of bears are actually kinda’ a-holes when you try and hang out. Those are the ones that would prefer to feast on your left buttock.
Down though history Men have tested their mettle against the formidable bear — from primitive rites of Manhood to grappling exhibitions in the 1900’s. Once your Manliness hits a certain level you too may want to test yourself against the mighty Grizzly. If you run into Gentle Ben, maybe suggest a friendly wrestle. For the rest of ‘em, you need to have on your game face.
After doing a little research (both surfing the web and putting a polar bear into a full-nelson), we noticed a lot of soft advice – or at least, advice not really written with real Men in mind. So we took the liberty of suggesting alternative options vs. the conventional “non-Manly” wisdom.
The following is taken from the article How to Survive a Bear Attack from Mother Nature Network (MNN). If you encounter a brown bear, keep these tips in mind:
MNN: “Always carry bear spray. This is a must-have in grizzly country, preferably in a holster or front pocket since you’ll just have a few seconds to fire.”
MMG: Good advice here. Our favorite brand of bear spray is the Smith & Wesson Model 500 .50-cal revolver.
MNN: “Don’t be stealthy. If you think bears are in the area, talk, sing or make other noises to let them know you’re there, too — without surprising them. If you see a bear that doesn’t see you, don’t disturb it.”
MMG: Does SEAL Team Six bang pots and pans together when clearing a compound? When bare-knuckle boxing, do you break into a rousing show-tune before unleashing the rain of fists? This dumb advice will either ensure the bear gets the jump on you or lead to less opportunities to bear fight.
MNN: “Don’t be a tease. Unattended food and trash are surefire bear magnets, even if they’re tied up. Try to produce minimal waste when camping or hiking, and secure all food and trash carefully. Bears are also sometimes lured by dogs, so it may be wise to leave pets at home.”
MMG: Do the exact opposite of this, take off your shirt, prepare for bear fight.
MNN: “Don’t run. If you do meet a grizzly, stand tall, stay calm and slowly reach for your bear spray. Don’t worry if the bear stands up — that usually just means it’s curious. Back away slowly if you can, still ready to spray. If the bear follows you, stop and stand your ground.”
MMG: Agree and disagree. Of course don’t run – you will instantly lose the bear’s respect. But if a bear stands up it is not because it’s curious, it’s offering to fight you like a Man. Well played, bear.
MNN: “Hit the dirt. If the bear keeps charging, fall down and lace your fingers over the back of your neck to protect it. Guard your stomach by lying flat on the ground or by assuming a fetal position, with knees tucked under your chin. Don’t move.”
MMG: This is an awesome way to get your left buttock eaten. And it will automatically forfeit your MMG membership.
MNN: “Play dead. Even if the bear starts to attack, it’s likely trying to neutralize you as a threat. And since you’ll never outrun or overpower it, faking death is your best bet at this point. Even if it walks away, don’t get up. Grizzlies are known to linger and make sure you’re dead, so stay down for at least 20 minutes.”
MMG: Buttock. Eaten.
MNN: “Box its nose or eyes. This could feasibly thwart a grizzly attack, but only fight back as a last resort. Playing dead is the preferred strategy with grizzlies. If you can get free, though, back away slowly; still don’t run.”
MMG: Only English nannies use soft-cupped hands as an offensive strategy. Roundhouse kick to the maw and a sleeper hold is the way to go. Strike, mount, and squeeze until the beast goes dark — or taps out.
MNN: “Seek out medical attention as quickly as possible after the attack.”
MMG: Gloat. But not so much that you come across as unsportsman-like.
DISCLAIMER: Apparently upon review, our MMG attorneys feel that the above advice is likely to get our members maimed or killed. WE have faith in your Manliness, but we don’t know you personally, so it is hard to vouch for you. Thus, we are required to say that the above advice IS NOT recommended as a way to actually interact with bears. For what it is worth, neither of our attorneys have beards. Just sayin’.